Whitechapel didn't float her boat, Stockwell left her cold, but when Nat Luurtsema arrived in Islington, she finally found somewhere to put her value pasta

Islington town houses: hell on earth

"I was born nestled into the concrete bosom of Watford and things didn’t improve immediately. A late-blossoming adult, I moved into town at 23 and took up residence in a room so small it restricted my morning yawn n’ stretch. I upgraded to a windowless bedroom in Whitechapel where lack of sunlight made me look like boiled celery. Thence to Stockwell, where I enjoyed a daily slalom through the latest crop of scene-of-crime signs, which were so numerous I reasoned the Stockwell criminals were simply lonely. I guess everyone likes working in a busy office.

But now, I have moved to Islington. I tried to do this once before. On that occasion, when I told the child in Fuckstons my budget, he laughed in my face. As a comedian I was pleased that I’d occasioned laughter, but as a human I wished him dead. 18 months later, Britain’s economy is jelly and I've found love. Crucially, love blooms in a one-bed flat (if anything a two-bed seems unfriendly) and this is a very economical way to live."

In Islington's corner shops, they sell garlic in the emergency snack bit next to the tills

"Now as I skip down Islington’s wide tree-lined roads, past Islington Green with a bit of art in it (and it’s not a memorial to someone who was stabbed there – proper fancy), and the two Waitrose within a mile of each other (I have NEVER seen this before), it all shouts at me: “We’re too good for the likes of you!” And I nod, "yes, yes you are" and on I skip to buy a pointlessly big meringue with a name I can’t pronounce.

The masochist side of me likes this – it gives me something to aspire to. Previously, all I've aspired to be is unmugged. Even my flat is too adult for me – the kitchen has cupboards that I can’t fill. All I’ve got are humorous mugs, scanty crockery and value pasta. I think maybe they expect to be filled with spices or something adult so I’ve compromised and put DVDs (cert 18) in there."