It's Paul Tonkinson vs Tiernan Douieb in the LondonisFunny brain quiz ahead of tomorrow's (sadly now cancelled) Mind fundraiser gig. 10 questions, on your marks...

The brain: well scary

1 Ok chaps. How many grams does the average human brain weigh?

TD: 800 grams raw, 600g fried, 700g grilled and 400g when half has melted.

PT: The average brain weighs approximately 10.5 grammes when wet. In high summer this falls to 8.75.

LiF: It's 1300-1400g, a point to Douieb! 1-0.

2 What about a porcupine, how many grams does a porcupine's brain weigh?

TD: Porcupine's don't have brains, they are remote controlled.

PT: There is no average size for the brain of a porcupine, the South African Red clocks in at .75 of a gram, the Egyptian Blue a monstrous 4.2g.

LiF: It's about 25g although Douieb's answer conjures a lovely image, so another point! 2-0.

3 At what age does the brain stop growing?

TD: Never. When you die your brain keeps on growing until it envelops your corpse and controls your body zombie like harvesting victims for the planet of Brainia.

PT: The brain stops growing physically at the age of 35. the mind expands throughout life.

LiF: The answer is 18 years old. Douieb's getting scary, Tonkinson's getting sage. Point to Tonkinson!. 2-1. Are we having fun yet?

4 Roughly how many nerve cells does the average brain contain?

TD: A million billion. It's got a lotta nerve.

PT: Loads and loads of 'em. Anything up to 17.

LiF: It's about 100 billion. Who's closer? Errr, can't work it out. Point to Douieb for the wordplay! 3-1.

5 What % of the body's blood does the brain use at one time?

TD: 40%. Except when looking at porn, then it reduces to 1% and the rest moves further south.

PT: The brain used 20% of the body's blood during normal behaviour, less so during moments of high excitement.

LiF: Ding ding ding ding ding, Tonkinson is right on the money with 20%! 3-2.

Half-time oranges and analysis from Andy Grey Matter (below) and Brain Moore

6 Second half. There are no pain receptors in the brain, true or false?

TD: I would say true, but I get brain freeze from drinking milkshakes too quick and that really hurts.

PT: My brain hurts just thinking about this question so... yes.

LiF: Well done, chaps, both correct! 4-3. God this is tense.

7 Roald Dahl child prodigy creation Matilda could literally move stuff with her mind, which was pretty neat. If you had done that at your school, would you have got beaten up?

TD: They would have wanted to beat me up but I'd have kept moving them with my mind before theyd had a chance. "Swing a punch at me will you Billy? Well how'd you like being upside down for 20 years? Mwahahahah!" I'd say. I'd have been like Professor X and would have lost all my hair and then got a band of mutants to start running things.

PT: At my school it was way easier to get beaten up. Wearing trousers the wrong length would suffice.

LiF: Yeah Douieb's getting scary again. Point to Tonkinson! 4-4.

8 What was mind boffin Sigmund Freud's favourite pizza topping?

TD: The same as his mother's.

PT: Asparagus spears reclining on huge mounds of buffalo cheese.

LiF: Nope. We think the answer is placenta and goat's cheese. Sounds a bit protein-ey. Still 4-4.

9 Complete this lyric from the 1993 Jamiroquai classic Music Of The Mind – "When it gets too ba-ad/ And I never know which way to turn/ There's a friend I see-ee, oh yeah/ Who...........

TD: Doctor Whoooooo, Whooooo, Doctor Whooo, Doctor Whoooo-oooo, Doctor Whoo. That's right isn't it?

PT: Who... let the dogs out?

LiF: The answer is "who believes in me". Genius. Zero points to either for missing the opportunity to slag of Jamiroquai. 4-4. This is the decider!

10 'You were always on my mind', sang Elvis Presley, but who? Who was always on the portly hip swiveller's mind?

TD: Dave the burger.

PT: I imagine his big ol' mama.

LiF: Dave the burger? What the hell does that mean? No one knows but he sounds awesome, so it's 5-4 and congratulations to Tiernan Douieb, you win a LondonisFunny.com matching flannel and toothbrush set (oooooooooh)!

The Mind fundraiser is on May 12 at the Bloomsbury Theatre, 7.30pm, with Richard Herring, Paul Tonkinson, Robin Ince, Tiernan Douieb and Andrew Bird.