Soho: kinda eerie when deserted
Photo – Gingerbread Monkey Ltd

I like to think of all the amazing gangs in Soho coming together for one beautiful evening. Just one magnificent night, united, in the accepting arms of London’s dirty heart for... the Soho Square-Off.

Each gang would be a perfect representation of a cliché, while illustrating the vast differences within and between each stereotype. Slowly, every group would make its way from their own camp – Little Italy, China Town, Old Compton Street, Porno Parade – all headed for the same spot: Soho Square. It would redefine humanity, like Bruce Willis dying in Armageddon or Bruce Willis dying in The Sixth Sense or Bruce Willis dying in Die Hard.

It would be amazing.

Each collective would have their own special powers. The stealth of the bicycle couriers, the apathy of the parking wardens, the knowledge of the taxi drivers and the ignorance of the tourists. They would meet like The Warriors, each swarming in from a different corner of the Square, jumping over fences, swinging under the bike stoppers if not slaloming through them.

Then, a magnificent silence.

Out of the quiet creaks a broken piano note – the Bugsy Malone soundtrack, fired out of hidden air sirens just as the first projectile leaves the hand of an uneasy doorman. Wham! Straight into the shouty, Christian guy’s shoulder.

Revenge comes swiftly from a Hare Krishna, who underarms a chickpea wrap to the groin of a Wardour Street fashionista, ruining his skin-tight white jeans just as he wanted. My favourite Metro newspaper providers is then ransacked by a hen party powered by Lambrini and unspoken loneliness.

Each member of each gang is kitted up with elements reflecting their uniqueness: models with padded portfolios, rickshaws filled with water-balloons, youths with rubber flick-knives, all used with harmless irony on their adversary.

Then finally, when the last Tesco’s sandwich has fallen from a parking warden’s hat, that same silence would cut through W1, bookending the conflict and heralding the biggest hug Soho, London, the world has ever enjoyed. We all walk away filled with a contentedness not felt since completing our first sticker album, before all slipping back into benevolently hating one another.

Until the next Soho Square-Off.

Tom Webb

LAUGHTER LINK: Tom's big fun comedy night in Hackney – www.myspace.com/comedyatthecat