Rachel Parris, lady of letters, pesters the bank manager

Wednesday, October 24 2012

LiF's new blogger, Rachel Parris, has some pretty searching questions for her local branch manager of Barclays

• Previous blogpost – Rachel Parris welcomes the new neighbours


Rachel Parris

Sheridan Hiddleston
Branch Manager
Barclays Ltd
Brixton


Dear Sheridan,

I am writing to thank you for meeting me this Monday morning to discuss my finances. I realise I am probably not Barclay’s favourite customer! I probably don’t have any gold stars next to my name! I am probably not in your good books! You probably despise me!

Hence my gratitude in your taking the time to see me, Sheridan. I am writing partly to clarify our relationship and partly to ask a favour.

RELATIONSHIP
Sheridan, I understand that it is not sensible to live permanently inside one’s overdraft; that is what you explained. It is worse to live permanently inside one’s overdraft than to live permanently inside a box of fire. That is what you said, and/or that is what I heard. So, to remedy this situation you (Barclays) (you?) (or Barclays?) are to give me a new loan, and I must pay it back each month over a series of five years. (Sheridan, it’s the longest relationship I’ve had, and I’m locked into it contractually! What a gift!) I was in debt, but now, thanks to you Sheridan, I’m in a new, longer-term debt, with a different name and novelty value. Thankyou, Sheridan!

What I wish to clarify is the following: If I meet another bank…who I sort of…click with, can we discuss opening the loan up? I would be happy to owe two banks at the same time, as long as, obviously, the debt was half to each! (Obviously! I’m not made of money! You should know! You told me it emphatically! You looked like you wanted to hit me!) Perhaps I could pay you an instalment one month, and the other bank (as yet unnamed, this is only hypothetical – Lord know this is only hypothetical, Sheridan) the next month. If you could let me know ASAP whether this is acceptable to you, I would be greatly in your debt. (Ooop, I already am! HA) (HAHAHA!)

FAVOUR
Lastly, the favour. Sheridan, now that we are locked together, welded together, BOUND, legally and, believe me, emotionally, for five years, I feel comfortable in asking you for a favour: namely, could you lend me £30? I noted the dense weave of your tie in our meeting, so I feel assured you are good for it. I look forward to receiving your cheque imminently!

Many thanks, for everything, Sheridan (Barclays?) (Sheridan?)
Yours sincerely,
Rachel Parris
Account 564399
Sort code 40-88-08

Ps. I particularly remember you describing my account as “dead”. This actually happened.

Pps I just re-read the Debt joke above and fully fell of my stool laughing! I am now on the floor.

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