Bequiffed stand-up and LiF blogger David Morgan watches his drunken friend chat up girls at festivals, so you don't have to ...

So it's the start of the new comedy term. August is reserved for festivals and getting tired and emotional and so no time for people watching. Over the past couple of months I've gone to music festivals, the Edinburgh Fringe and both the Olympics and the Paralympics. Plenty of people to admire and, well, let's face it, judge.

My first music-based festival was the quaint Blissfields in Wiltshire. I arrived and popped up my pop-up tent (I can put up a real one, I just don't want to) and headed around the festival site. It was lovely – the kind of festival that upper-middle-class parents take their kids to so they can have some grown-up time with the pampas grass-planting neighbours. Heading around the site, I bumped into the other comedians on that weekend.

One such funny boy, Ed Easton, wasn't on that night and so decided that he would use today to drink and meet ladies. After a game of mini golf (I know right, a festival with minigolf? Amazing!) where a small child accidentally hit me in the balls with his putter, Ed had very quickly become drunken Ed. This was joyous. I, along with the obnoxiously pretty Brennan Reece decided to aid Ed with the picking up of ladies. Now I may be no ladykiller, but I am a very successful wingman.

It would appear however that quite a large proportion of the ladies onsite weren't on exam leave for their A-Levels, or even for their AS Levels. They were the GCSE class of 2012, thus a smidge too far down the creepy scale. Think Emma Watson pre-Order of the Phoenix. After awkwardly chatting with tiny teenage girls and getting nowhere, Ed had had enough and wanted to fast-track the procedure. This led to the greatest thing I saw all weekend.

Ed marched up to a pretty girl and said: "Hello, I'm Ed, how old are you?" Quick, efficient and to the point, the 140-character pickup. Her response ended Ed's hunt for the evening as she shot back in a meek panicked voice: "Ermmm ... my Mum is over there ..." Wonderful.

The gig was crazy late but really good fun, a great way to start my festival season. I did however see a man in tails playing a Sousaphone whilst riding a penny farthing. I think I wanted him to die. He was human Instagram.

David Morgan, people watcher, will return next month