David Morgan, people watcher, on ... the casting models
Jedwardian stand-up and LiF blogger David Morgan goes to advert castings and eavesdrops on dumb models, so you don't have to ...
This month the story takes place "at a casting". Normally the kind of castings I get invited to are with other comedians. I know most of the people there and we wonder if they'll get us to "just improv about", so we can make funnies that they then steal to beef up a weak ad script without having to pay writers.
This was not that kind of casting.
It was for a beauty product, and everyone else at the casting was a model. Not actor models, not hot comedians. Actual models. I had to fill in a form that asked for my "coat size" measurement and the circumference of my head. I panicked my way through the script and guessed at the scale for "coat size" (I decided to measure in tog).
Around the room, the models chatted. They spoke about the adverts they had just booked and if they were going to any of the fashion weeks. A boy came into the room and sat next to me. I instantly hated him through jealousy. He wasn't just attractive, he was an attractive version of me. Same hair, same glasses, same if more chiseled bone structure, same everything just, much, much hotter. Git. I would later see him in the ad and hate him even more.
Just as I was about to decide I was better off heading to Krispy Kreme to cry into a doughnut, one of the hot boys said: “Oh my god, I'm going to Peru. I love Brazil!” These statements could have been separate, but I don't think they were. His friend, the kind of girl who would pretend to be inexplicably drawn to a geeky guy wearing Lynx for money responded: “Ummm, no Hugo, Peru is in Mexico, I've been.” I started to feel happy that God only gave with one hand at a time, then sad that my geography skills were as likely to get me booked on this job as my cavernous pores were.
I did however look to Hot David on my left and smile. He may be hot but I bet he's stupid, I thought as he pulled out a medical journal and started annotating it. I worried that I was actually sat next to a wormhole to a dimension where I didn't discover boys during my A-Levels or use sugar as a coping mechanism when they didn't want to discover me.
Hugo and Lynx Lady were still arguing about the location of Peru, they decided after a while to agree to disagree. I didn't want to suggest that, when arguing a fact, agreeing to disagree wasn't an adequate solution. “So who are you shooting with, Hugo?” asked Lady Lynx. “Some new photographer, but I get to model with Gill Franks,” Hugo replied excitedly. “She's a fucking cow,” sniped Lynx, “if you have sex with her we are over.” A silence fell over the casting room.
I shared a glance with Hot David, this was going to be fun. “What do you mean babe, why can't I have sex with her?” asked Hugo, “we haven't been together for months, and anyway it was you who cheated on me."
“Yes,” said Lynx, “with Gill Franks.”
This was obviously brand new information for Hugo. His reaction was amazing, it was like the Batman villain Two Face – he was half devastated, half happily visualising. “What? But, when?”
“In Peru,” she said, “under the Mexican sun.”
I was called into my casting and asked to muck about with props and be wacky. The resulting ad was as wacky as American Apparel.
Also this month I caught a dad in the tunnel to the museums at South Kensington station teaching his little girl to growl like a dinosaur. She was brilliant until she decided “I think I'd prefer it if they meowed like a cat, can they do that instead Daddy?” They then spent the rest of the walk pretending to be dinosaurs, but meowing. Almost made me sad I can't accidentally get someone pregnant. Well I could but it would have to be a extremely ridiculous accident.
David Morgan, people watcher, will return in September