Hubert & Smith's Poetry Corner 6 – twisted animals and Marti Pellow
London is Funny's new bloggers, stand-up Andrea Hubert and writer Daniel Smith, are back! Each fortnight, Daniel and Andrea set each other the task of writing a poem on a particular title.
And here's instalment 6, featuring twisted animals and Marti Pellow
Moose With A Shotgun
Title set by Smith, poem written by Hubert
Pigeon drinking hot rum,
Seagull shitting on a crazy guy,
Bottle fly flying with a lazy eye,
Zebra with chronic OCD,
Sloth drunkenly hugging a tree,
Red setter dissecting a mouse,
Cocker spaniel licking a woodlouse,
Slug tripping into a barrel of salt,
(The jury returns “Suicide by default”),
Snow leopard with a backpack,
Honey badger with a cracked sack,
Nostalgic spider eats curds and whey,
Bipolar polar bear eats turds and hay,
Shy scorpion with a bow and arrow,
Bitchy ant sewing a bluetit to a sparrow,
Selfish ladybird with a secret family,
Deluded hamster who thinks he’s Stan Lee,
Ageing deer with an Asbo,
Homeless bat drinking Strongbow,
Fistless woodpecker “beaking” a wren,
“It’ll be over soon, just count to ten.
It’ll all be over when the fat bird sings,”
Don’t animals just do the darndest things?
Is That Man Yawning Or Screaming in the Back of That Range Rover?
Title set by Hubert, poem written by Smith
I could turn my music down to check if he bellows
But I'm listening to a chronological mixtape of the career of Marti Pellow,
And it's just got to the song before he got hooked on smack,
So I'll have to solve this mystery with just my eyes and a Wet Wet Wet soundtrack.
First, I'll survey the scene, are his hands together in prayer?
Is that a matching bracelet set or is he handcuffed in there?
Did he look panicked when he was wheeled from that nursing home?
If I keep staring I can maybe blame Asperger's syndrome.
"Sorry, mate," I'll say if he comes over and starts to get tetchy
"My ability to read faces is, at best, a little sketchy,
And I couldn't quite tell if you were in pain or just quite tired."
But, that abstract chat's now needless, because the gun to his head's just been fired.
Hubert & Smith's Poetry Corner will return in two weeks