5 things you should never do in the dark, by Carl Donnelly
Comedians only come out at night, but Comedy in the Dark at the Udderbelly takes things one step further, plunging a whole stand-up show into pitch black.
One of the comedians taking part in this unique show is Carl Donelly, who here mulls over some things that are best left to daytime ...
1. Go to the toilet.
I've had it happen on a few occasions when I've been in a dingy pub and gone into the toilets, entered a cubicle and on closing the door realised it is completely dark. You initially think it will be fine but within a couple of minutes it becomes one of the loneliest feelings in the world. Even though it is always a solo experience (unless you're into a particular type of fetish), for some reason the lack of light makes it quite scary!
There is normally a good reason for darkness. If it is night time, people will be asleep, so keep it down. If you are hiding in a cupboard, then shouting will only alert whoever you are hiding from as to your whereabouts. Basically, light should be like a volume indicator. The brighter it is the louder you can be!
3. Christmas shopping.
It is tough enough trying to buy exciting gifts for people when you can see what you are doing, so attempting it in the dark will only end in tears. I've bought some terrible presents for people in daylight (I bought comedian Chris Martin a megaphone for Christmas last year just because I thought it was a good present). Any gifts I buy in the darkness would be even more unnecessary!
I know it sounds strange, but sex is fine in the dark because people can be self conscious, it can make it more intimate and remove people's inhibitions. If you are on your own and you still need to turn the light off then I recommend you talk to a counsellor as it suggests a level of self consciousness that I didn't even know existed. It would also be even more embarrassing being caught by someone just turning the light on to see you there in all of your shameful glory.
Simple health and safety advice for my final suggestion. It would only end in tears. Even if you are in an open plain, you never know what type of hazard can appear at any moment. You could trip over a stick or a rock. Basically only run when there is good visibility. Of course if you have to run for your own safety (if you are being chased by a killer) then weigh up your options and decide. I'd probably run then.