Pappy's Fun Club introduce Streatham

Wednesday, October 22 2008

London is not only funny, it's also scuzzy, captivating, cosmopolitan, weird, extortionate and really, really big. So, to help you get to grips with it, LondonisFunny presents the Comedian's Guide to London.

First up is magnificent sketch troupe Pappy's Fun Club, who give us their verdict on their patch – Streatham. The crazy loons!
















Daft: Ben, Matthew, Brendan and Tom of Pappy's Fun Club


Hey, LondonIsFunny we’re Pappy’s Fun Club. For us London can be summed up in one word: Streatham. For the past 5 years all four of us have at one stage or another lived there. So join us now as we take you on a tour of the place we affectionately refer to as "Streatham".

BRENDY
We agreed to begin our day by meeting at the station. Unfortunately Ben and Tom were at Streatham Common, I was at Streatham Hill and Matthew was at Streatham. It’s one of the few places that’s confusingly served by three overland stations for no good reason, which often turns meeting up with friends into an orienteering exercise.

MATTHEW
We always start the day with a relaxing swim at Streatham leisure centre. Famous for the erratic temperature of the water, you can never tell whether it will be ice cold or scalding hot. My suspicions that it might be the latter were initially aroused when I saw the lifeguard dangling a boil-in-the-bag cod in parsley sauce into the water.

TOM
As a regular swimmer in these baths I always come prepared for either extremities, packing both an anorak and some Radox bath salts.

BRENDY
My trunks shrunk.

BEN
Hot though the water was, it’s not nearly as bad as my first visit when the water was so cold it had frozen over. I gave my best attempts at a breaststroke but my nipples stuck to the surface of the water.

MATTHEW
It was only when we got the call to come and pick him up that we realised Ben had inadvertently gone into the ice rink next door. Luckily, he was so badly frost-bitten that they decided not to press charges.

TOM
After the swim we take a stroll past the ice rink itself which, for the last ten years, has been voted London’s best place to get your fingers sliced off by a 14 year old.

MATTHEW
It’s worth noting that only 30% of the finger-slicings take place on the ice.

TOM
With an ice-rink, a cinema and- up until recently- a bowling alley, Streatham High Road could be seen as the first-date capital of the South.

BRENDY
I’ve vowed that if I ever go on a first date, I’ll bring my date to Streatham.

BEN
It’s time for food and Streatham has much to offer in the culinary department, with everything from Dallas fried chicken to Southern fried chicken on offer. We head for our favourite, Ohho Chicken and Pizza house. In an attempt to enter the healthy food market one of their pizzas is called ‘The Footballers Choice’. It appears that the only reason for this name is that it’s got vegetables on it. As if that’s what sportsmen eat!

BRENDY
After half a slice my phone goes and it’s Fabio Capello. He’s heard about our order and wants us to come and try out for the England squad.

MATTHEW
As the evening draws in it’s time to head to Ceasar’s, Streatham’s premier hot spot and one of the few night clubs in London to appear on Most Haunted.

TOM
They discovered the ghosts of people’s Saturday nights spent spewing up in the toilets.

MATTHEW
Caesars boasts one of the most unnecessarily elaborate frontispieces of any nightclub in London, a four horse chariot with Caesar standing resplendent, looking out over the High Road. Unfortunately the huge neon sign with the name of the club is broken with only four of the letters still illuminating. Thus, by night, it appears that the club is called SARS.

BRENDY
Possibly it’s a theme bar based on famous super-bugs from 2002.

BEN
Actually it’s just a grotty club that hosts a Ladies’ night with strippers every Thursday. Luckily Brendy’s still wearing his shrunken trunks and so gets in for free.

This concludes our whistle-stop tour of Streatham. It may appear that we’re being a bit harsh on our hometown but, all joking aside, we can honestly say we wouldn’t live anywhere else in the city. We can’t afford to.

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