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Sheeps go Olympics baaaaarmy
After playing a starring role in the Olympic opening ceremony, daft sketch trio Sheeps turn their attention to the sports. Here's Liam (hairy Sheeps, right) with a handy Olympic planner for you
With their dizzying schedules and respective fuckloads of events, both the Fringe and the Olympics can make your mind spin like a weather vane in a decent breeze. But if you’re worried about missing out on all the highlights from the Games during this comedy-logged month then fear not – here’s Liam’s handy guide to what promise to be the most exhilarating moments.
Men’s drops semi-final (Tuesday 6th & Monday 7th, 4.12am)
Okay, like you need me to tell you about this one. Undoubtedly the main event in any Games, the men’s drops semi-final is one of the most gruelling and stamina-testing challenges known to man, woman, boy and girl and last nearly two seconds. Drops is also the only Olympic discipline that regularly attracts more viewers for the semi-finals than for the final, which tends to be fucking boring.
Women’s hope-shot (1st round Wednesday 11th, final Friday 16th- Wednesday 5th)
Although it’s not a very a good sport, all eyes will be on the hope-shot this year because of competitor Lena Ahmad of Uran. Last year the 19-year-old had 70% of her skin scraped off with a Sherriff’s badge for breaking Uranian law by riding around on a small bike one afternoon. She’s taking part, she says "as an act of inspiration to all the women suffering oppression across the world and also to get a bit of money for some new skin".
Mixed horses (all day long!)
A perfect event for the more gentle-souled sports fan. It’s such a lovely event – a man and woman ride together astride one horse. It’s nice to see the horses go round, and here and there they go. I find it so nice and relaxing. Lady Lorna Laydee and Sir Earl Sir George represent the Great British, riding the lovely Poppyweed who cost more than you’ll ever have.
Mens 60m hoiks (nth)
I’m not really into 70m hoiks but I consider the 60m event the greatest sport ever invented. Kobe Dwolt has been unbeaten in this race since his debut at the 1957 World Indoors and since then has become so rich that he can now afford to pay all other hoiksmen to retire at 17, so looks set to retain the world record until he dies, by which time, he predicts, hoiks’s Olympic status will have been revoked because he totally ruined it.
The Coca-Cola Game (formerly Badminton) (no more ideas for time/date jokes)
For the first time this year, Olympic sponsors have been allowed to purchase and rename events, in a move organisers are fucking stupidly calling "a good idea". A press-bot for Coke explained: "We decided to ease gently into the complete corporate sterilisation of sport that we aim to have completed by the year McDon – sorry the year 2028 – by choosing to begin with an event no one cares about. Next year we’ll ruin one of the bigger ones. Our dream is to enter Coca-Cola as a nation in the next games."
A spokesman for Halt, an organisation which opposes corporate sponsorship for sporting events, said it’s getting harder to feel special by being the sort of person that moans about corporations all the time but because basically everyone’s doing it now.
Who’ll be taking home the Olympic Rings for tumps this year? Will it be Little Baby Boy for Great Britain, cute Edoardo for Spain or the newbie Pleasant Tom of the USA. The sport of tumps has been the subject of controversy recently for its loudness and use of retarded wolves but the WTF have defended the sport saying "it is old so we should be allowed to do it".
Happy viewing, and if you’re finding it difficult to invest emotionally in contrived activities which have no bearing on your life and seem not to offer any sort of general lessons or wisdom about people or whatever, just remember all endeavour is cosmically meaningless and the value we ascribe to any action is on some level constructed.