"Sweaters not jumpers?" Massive tangents? Flagrant disregard for word counts? DAMN YOU CANADIAN/UK STAND-UP PAT BURTSCHER!

This is going to be the sixth Edinburger in a row for me. So I’ve gotta lotta baggage from past Edinburgers. The first one left me with shit all over my dreams, and the last one with hope in my heart. So I hope this one will be the one that makes me wanna come back again without any reservations.

I know that’s not what this question is about, but I have been asked to write a lot about the little I am bringing with me to Edinburger so I thought that was a clever detour and worthwhile tangent to explore along the way. Proving once and for all that procrastination can be more fun then doing what your supposed to be doing. Which isn’t always true and must be taken on a case-by-case basis. Think of some examples on your own, and if you can’t you’re not living, and I’m not sorry because now you know and you can start living. So you’re very welcome. Also, if you are living I hope that this has made you re-realise that you are doing so and that you should kick it up a notch and really live. You’re welcome for that too Group B (aka the livers!).

Alright, so now what is in my Edinburger luggage? Well at the moment nothing because I haven’t packed yet. So I’d like to take this opportunity to thank you for giving me this opportunity to plan ahead and avoid disappointment and unneeded spending due to bringing everything I need because I’ll list it now! 7 shirts, 7 pairs of socks (that’s 14 total), 7 pairs of undergarments, 2 sweaters (not jumpers! Sweaters!) 2 pairs of jeans, 3 pairs of shoes (that’s 6 total and there’s a pair of waterproof hiking, a pair of light running shoes and a pair of everyday walking shoes, which you’ll see me wear everyday), rain jacket and 200,000 condoms.

So that covers clothing and provides people with the facts that I wash most of my clothes every 7 days and I’m prepared for rain and safe sex. I hope you’ve enjoyed looking into my luggage and have been inspired to pack light and live heavy. Now I gotta write a bit more to fulfill the quota, which is as many words as I am writing. So if you, reader, wanna know what that quota is just spend sometime counting.

• Pat Burtscher – Patopotamoose is on at 20:30pm at the Pleasance Courtyard