This wryly amusing article written by Lou Sanders can be roughly summarised with 'front-pleated shorts IN, bikes OUT'

I’ll probably do all my packing by myself – as a statement. I’ll bring books. Clever ones – large in size knowing me. A variety of scarves. And why not? It’s the largest arts festival in the world isn’t it? Six scarves and counting.

TIP: Moisturisers, shampoo and food, I get up there. That’s just me though – wanting to give back to the Scots, think of it as a "thank you for having me."

I’ll be wearing all of the latest fashions and I’ll pack all of my waterproof garments plus some classic cottons and front-pleated shorts.

Edinburgh can be stressful so I guess I should pack one of those executive, novelty-shaped squeezey-toys. Could be a sweet release. Haven’t got one though, so the plan becomes unstuck at the first hurdle. Typical Edinburgh.

I wouldn’t be surprised if I sneak in some sports outfits. I love general sports and have been known to embrace the heck out of running here and there. Two year’s ago in Edinburgh, I got sold a child’s bike – I mean it was for a teen at best – I’m not sure why they didn’t give a simple word in my ear that this bike was clearly for a young child, probably of the boy gender. It took me a year and a half to realise and I got them back by selling it for £20 on eBay and getting a man’s bike that I will grow in to. This year, to make a point – I will be boycotting bikes in Edinburgh.

I’m bringing a lot of music, films and knowledge with me – but I’ve stored it all on my laptop (I will not give the computer brand away because they do not deserve the market domination they so arrogantly monopolise). But I do still really like my laptop – it’s going to be working really hard this year in the show and otherwise. So I will reward it with some new megabytes, or pictures of seascapes that it’s never been to. I will also bring my charger.

Supplements I will get there for reasons I’ve already outlined in paragraph 2 (in relation to my personal cleaning products).

Marigolds as above.

Pens, pencils and notepads for business and pleasure actually; jotting down ideas, sketching piccies of social scenes unwrapping before your very eyes, or just writing down the mobile telephone number of another mover and shaker as you chat away in the local hotspots.

Train tickets are another must have and I will probably pack those first of all knowing me. Plus 6 hairbands and a picture of my favourite family member.

Lou Sanders – And Now for a Nice Evening With Wallan is on at 9.30pm at the Pleasance Courtyard

• Review – Lou Sanders' Edinburgh 2011 show