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Marcel Lucont – ce qui est dans votre bagage à Edimbourg?
An LiF/EiF favourite, condescending French bugger Marcel Lucont is one of the under-rated stars of the capital's circuit and this year in Edinburgh he has a chat show to host. Marcel takes us through his Fringe luggage ...
What is in my luggage, you ask? I did not realise there is now a border control between England and Scotland. Relations are worse than I thought.
Some things I will reveal to you, others I will reveal only when the rubber glove presents itself.
A list of the names of any fire-breathers, sword-swallowers or Highland women I have slept with in previous years, in case of an encore this year.
These are not the kind of women one wishes to anger.
A shitty stick.
Because sometimes the female attention is too much. I have been assured this is a British way of dealing with such an issue. A large folder. To contain all my glowing reviews. Of course, it is largely unimportant what a critic's opinion is, but it does attract certain women in the Loft bar at 4am.
A small envelope.
To contain my negative review. There is usually one who does not understand the show, or why everyone around them is enthralled. If I discover their address the envelope can be used of course to send a little token of appreciation regarding their opinion.
24 bottles of excellent wine (18 red, 5 white, 1 rosé).
Because one cannot be too careful. I would never suggest that the Scottish do not care for their alcohol, but I fear they may choose to cater for the English and American hordes storming their city this month, and the quality may be diminished.
As above, I fear a distinct lack of quality. My experience of British porn so far has revealed a real lack of flair, pictorially and textually.
Two suits, both of excellent quality.
Yes, I am playing in a venue more hot than a président's wife, so one would think I need more. But no, I plan to bottle and sell the sweat after each show, as Essence De Marcel, EDM – Eau De Trois Lettres. This is a humorous play-on-words for the educated.
Copper wire wool, needles and thread.
This year I am renting out my rented room during the day to alleviate some of the expense. It is being used by a team of local immigrant workers who are mass-producing false eyebrows for Edinburgh's ever-increasing number of bagpipers. Surveys have shown a correlation between ginger eyebrow mass and tourist donations given. So in fact everybody wins here. You may say I am merely perpetuating a national stereotype. Well, if the landlords of Edinburgh were not also exacerbating a perceived Scottish trait then I would not need to myself.
Cigarette packet inserts.
These are for fellow smokers attending my show, and I will be handing them out at the end. They are small tags which one can slip into the cigarette pack, to replace the more cancer-based slogans. They include, “SMOKING IS BIG AND CLEVER,” “CIGARETTES: SOMETHING ELSE WILL PROBABLY KILL ME FIRST” and “SMOKING IMPROVES JAZZ.”
One copy of my latest book, “What We French Think Of You British... And Where You Are Going Wrong.” (£6.99, New Holland Publishers).
Because, on entering into the world's largest arts festival it is important to remind oneself of one's own genius.